Quote:
Originally Posted by Solari
I totally understand except I cry, but feel nothing when I do. It just seems to happen sometimes. I spent some time thinking the other day about my own walls, and a simple thought came to my mind. The walls I have that keep all of the bad feelings out are also keeping out all of the good. I just wish I knew how to get rid of them...I feel like I need to know how I built them in order to knock them down and I haven't figured that out yet. I have learned that pain demands to be felt eventually, but how to get there is my problem too. I'm thinking maybe I'm scared, but don't feel that either.
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Exactly! I know that my walls are the only thing that make me feel safe. So, if I let them down then I become vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I am weak, If I am weak I can not protect, if I can't protect I have failed and so the cycle continues. I am the only protector in the house and I can not let vulnerability creep in. My T says that a rigid tree will snap in the wind, and I say to him not if the walls are blocking that wind.... Again, blocking my own progress. Wish I could just get out of my head!