I understand. I am an alcoholic. Sober now for just over 2 months. I spent years wanting to stop / not wanting to stop / needing to stop / refusing to stop - it goes on and on. I didn't reach a rock bottom or anything but the fear of losing my husband finally snapped me into place. And I was tired! Tired of "needing" to be drunk. Tired of going out and never leaving later that night all that sober and trying so very hard to seem sober. It also became so expensive! And my body was starting to reject alcohol. Violently. I really thought I felt less lonely with alcohol. If my husband was late or went away - at least I could drink! Alcohol (as I suppose with any drug), is really a terrible kind of evil. Offers so much false hope, just as you said.

I really have no idea how to advise you to stop. It is so different for everyone. I think I was very lucky. I just stopped cold turkey. I had no physical withdrawal whatsoever and didn't miss drinking physically at all. I just had to wrap my head around not drinking emotionally and psychologically. I also had no desire to do the AA thing. Not my kind of thing at all.

I can only wish you much strength. And talk about it here. There will always be a sympathetic and understanding ear. You're welcome to PM me.