i started out testing my T, testing his care, testing if he was supportive, testing his limits. i did that for a while. T said that the therapy process was so hard for me because of my previous sexually abusive T. i fought the process, refused to change things in my life. i spent a long time being miserable and wanting to stay that way. over time these behaviors lessened and i started talking to him more and expressing my thoughts and feelings without acting them out in various self destructive ways (ED, not taking meds, SI). after my T and i left the residential treatment program that we met in.. i started really trusting my T, looking up to him as a father figure and feeling love for him in that way. i eventually told him about it and he said its normal and that he was touched. these days i find myself preoccupied that he is going to die which is probly abandonment fears. my dad died when i was 10. since i see T in a paternal way (which might be weird cuz hes only 10 yrs older than me) i guess my fear of his death is related to my dad. the next steps i want to take is become more stable... stable enough to handle talking about trauma.