I am thinking too much. What I am going to do without this "friend"? I can't just completely stop. Its small steps, right. I can't be expected to eat a steak and lobster. Although I wouldn't mind. My favorite. But honestly, I can't even eat crackers or drink a full glass of anything.
Maybe my supports expect that I am going to be a bouncing bundle of joy and eat everything they want me too. What if they want this from me, I can't give this. I am having second thoughts. I don't want to back out of anything I have committed to. Its this battle in my head, this fear of getting better. This illness has been my friend, my escape from what hurts the most. What do I do without it. Oh my dear lord. This is too frightening. I want to run and hide. I had planned this before, taking off, but I did not have my kids full time then. This thought is creeping in again. I have to make it stop, let these people help me.
Why am I so worried, it can only get better; right??? I hate this, this uncertainty. I want to scream. I am feeling like SI. I don't want to slip again with it. I keep thinking about razors and things like this. I want my mind to quit, stop thinking these bad things. Grrr, I am so angry at myself, I hate me.
I have to pull together here, but its so hard tonight.

Justy