feel so sad. can't cry, though. feel like crying, but can't. tears are filling me up and i'm about to explode because i'm unable to cry. not that i'm unwilling.....fighting to keep my hope alive that i will one day, i will feel better. it's been such a constant depression. those little bubbles of hope is so fleeting that i can't even remember them after they're over. wish i could do better. tried everything to help myself. even changed a lot of stuff in my head to do that. there's too much pain around me. life feels way too short. i'm only 35, but it feels like this depression is killing me. not by my own doing, but by other ways, like my health. been feeling hopeless for too long. it's killing me. i see too much pain around me. can't see any happiness around me. don't know why, but my pets are happpy. but i can't see it, damn it. i go outside into the green (have lots of trees and nature around my home), and feel like death in a murky body of water. beauty is tainted with the sense of death. the dark side threatens to take over. all i can see now are the dark side in everything. there's so much of it everywhere. i can't live like this. i keeping plugging on through my days with the sense that i'm losing so much time to my illness. i feel like i'm losing everything i've accomplished in life that no one can take away from me. all those years of learning how to manage my illness through cognitive-behavioral techniques that have not been working other than keeping me alive in a literal sense. i can't give up. but, it hurts so much. so much pain that words cannot do justice. i feel like i'm dying, dead. wish to feel alive again and stay feeling alive. god, it hurts so much.