I'm posting the trigger icon thingy because there will probably be some talk about suicidal ideation and/or self-harm in this post.

I hated my session yesterday. I was a brick wall. I went in wanting that connection so badly. And I couldn't get there. It's almost too exhausting to write about. I told him how even though he has told me twice that there is a reciprocal connection, I still have a hard time believing that. I told him that I felt so far away from him right then, and how the last four sessions I had felt so connected.

Lately, I am a mess. The depression is immobilizing at times. I don't feel connected to anyone or anything. Empty. Nothing to hold onto. T asked if I felt dead. I do feel dead in a way, except dead would also imply the absense of terrible feelings. I feel dead in the way that I have lost the ability to connect emotionally with anything.

T said he got the sense that part of the reason that I was feeling so disconnected from him is because he possibly wasn't up to the point yet in which he was understanding the depth of what I am trying to convey to him. This is, of course, largely due to my resistance. T said I was dancing around the stuff yesterday-- he was exactly right. I was going in surface circles around everything, unable to reach that point where ultimately, I want to go.

Things at home suck. I had a bad fight with my husband yesterday. We have only been married for less than 2 years and lately, we just seem at completely different places.

I have been overwhelmingly preoccupied with suicidal ideation. No plan or anything like that. But my thoughts are consumed with the ideation, images, and urges of suicide. I have shared this with T.

I left the session so lost yesterday. I wanted, so badly, to hold on to him. But there was so much space. I waited for the bus. I kept stepping out onto the street to check if I could see the bus coming and I would becomed consumed with urges and images of just stepping out in front of the traffic and not moving.

I am starting to cry a bit as I write this because for some reason, there is just the biggest hole inside me right now and it's unbearable.

I told him it was the worst session ever. That I wanted to feel connected and safe. I told him that I felt like I had flatlined. Like I walked into the session as a flatline, continued to be that way throughout the session, and left the same way. Like I had expected the line to be touched during the session-- expected something to be stirred up. But everything went untouched except for the fact that I left feeling worse than I had beforehand.

I go back on Friday. I walked out of that session feeling like I had lost the connection forever.