Shoot. I am trying so hard to not think about SI. I was in chat for a long time tonight. I was being goofy but for a reason. I can't get my mind off of cutting. I am so hungry, it hurts. I want to eat but I just can not. If I eat and "get rid" of it, I know I will be mad at myself and end up doing other things.

Why do I feel this way. Today was good, good things are going to start. Maybe I am wrong. Geez, why won't my head turn off. I beg it, just shut down for a little while. Let me get some sleep so I can think clearly.

If I can get through tonight, I will be okay. I have gone from being sad, to feeling like nothing could touch me, to totally depressed, to this feeling of elation, to this sad person. All of this in like 3 hrs. What the hell is that. Its been happening a lot lately. Whats wrong with me. Arrrgggggg. sry.

Tomorrow will be a long day; too long. The kids dad is actually taking them for the weekend. What a shocker. Its good though, they do need to see him. I hope it goes okay. It will be nice for some quiet time; but I like the noise. And I am going to worry about them. I guess thats life. My little darlings, I do adore them.

Dreading starting this treatment, scared of what comes out of me. Pooie. I need to focus on my kids. Keep thinking about their beautiful smiles and warm hearts. They are great.

Justy