F**k! 2 weeks of hypomania, and crashing down hard. Probably destroyed my relationship, embarrassed myself at work, with family, and with friends. I will never understand how this happens, but i hate it so much. I felt like a was high on drugs (which i was not), euphoric, sped up, a million projects, etc.

So 7 days ago my BF and i decided to get married, kind of on a whim, even though neither of us wanted that before. And within 5 days, i had planned the whole wedding - venue, caterer, cake, rings, officiator, and invites out. Then i went shopping to find the perfect dress, and thankfully didn't find one, although i tried on a lot. Even called in sick one day last week to get organized. Wedding date was set 6 weeks away. I told everyone, literally everyone - including mentioning it in kind of inappropriate ways to my boss (who i'm now going away with for 4 days, fml). I even made clay sculptures of our cats to put on top of the wedding cake. All while working, supervising a student, and a bunch of other projects. So a total whirlwind of impulsive activity.

Anyways, last night my BF looked really low, and we talked and he didn't want to get married at all. He had been going along with it, but didn't want to go through with it. So i was upset, but thought about it and realized he was right. So cancelled everything, and told people we moved too fast, so things were postponed, and we may of may not actually get married. People have been pretty understanding, although some worried.

Then tonight my BF says he is confused about everything, even about us, and if he wants to stay together. Doesn't know if he loves me anymore, but says he needs some time to figure it out. And he said everything was fine until all this happened. He's never seen me hypomanic before, so even when I explained, I don't know if it matters. He can't change how he feels. I might have wrecked us. And i'm in love with him, totally.

So I don't know what to think, but i feel awful. And still can't sleep. Tomorrow i have to give a 3 hour lecture to Nursing students about psychiatry, and i am a mess. Then work trip for 4 days, with 2 bosses, a co-worker, and a patient. I don't know how i can get through this week, and I don't know what he'll feel or want at the end of it. And I can't take it back or fix it.

I always destroy the good things in my life when i'm hypomanic. And i'm partially aware, but almost passively watching myself do if, unsure if i'm being crazy or finally understanding and on track.

Anyways i feel miserable, ashamed, and defeated