Feeling pretty down right now. I need to recover quick.

There's been bad signs like LED light bulb almost going off, and I broke a bottle of perfume for the first time. I also found out that I have kinda less money than I thought I had, it was like where did the money go, I knew I was spending but ... oh, there's one more. At the dentist office today, you know the feeling, I just felt the end of my life near me, which isn't good.

Man, my room's overloaded with vetiver smell, I still splurged a little though, knowing I don't have much money in the bank, I'm spending my bday alone, **** it, that doesn't make me who I am, the perfumes and a tatoo on my arm, did they cost that much? Now with a little digging in my head, I know precisely whey the money went, I'm gonna have to live below my means.

I have done this 'cos future worries won't change much even if I save some of my income, I ain't got much of a future. I can never make it perfectly safe, so this realizations today, whatever the true meanings may be, they are making me feel alive. Bad things/situations and my reactions to them are fine, even though I may take them harder than others, they are still fine.

I just can't wipe this feeling that things sometimes shakes me so quick, left to right, ups and downs. Un-stability/unbalanced self could damage me if I let my mind go too far. I'm the only one who can stop that, especially when I want the way I want to live my life.

My kindness towards myself up inside my own head has to win.

ETA: The nearest ATM got closed down! I was a bit upset about that, I still am.

Well, I'm editting again, let's cut the crap and leave this post as an uplifiting one. To do this, I have to show my true nature, which is, a guy who talks to himself.

"Dude, why are you smiling? Yea, I know, I feel the same, all the craps in our head, they are good stuff. 40 damn years worth, I look around and not much I see have 40 yrs history on them, maybe those tree might be as old as I. And we do know that you saw some good things, those lives, you see the connection to them. Despite the bad signs and the uneasiness when you walk through this world, if I keep looking them instead of the uncertainty, it'll sustain us. "

I'm not writing a book or journal here, so I'm going to stop now. I got myself butter chicken curry and some chips with salsa, NO BEER! Honestly, I don't remember how I was at the exact time last year, what was happening, continues to happen is who I am I guess, if my life punchs me in the face, I punch it back, I've never seen the world like I do right now, not even once for the past 40 years, even though I don't wish anything spectacular till I get the next one, it just goes on.

This is kinda strange, y'know, I look out the balcony and see this river and the trees, the scenery was different in a big way, I'm sure of that. The 40 years that has passed isn't with me, what I see matters.