I just... have to get this off my chest. The ban on sex in chat rooms got me thinking and now I can't stop. It's the kind of thing I just can't share with anyone, especially since I've never been "intimate" with anyone. I want to talk about it but don't have anywhere else to do it. I don't even know what I'm hoping for. Maybe it will open some people's eyes, or help change their way of thinking. But I suppose that kind of person wouldn't be caught dead on this forum. Still, I have to share this. Maybe it'll just help me.

I was born into a very strict and controlling religion wherein ANY sexual activity outside of marriage was seen as an abominable sin. Actually it was like an unspoken rule that, even within marriage, sex should be reserved solely for procreation. I hit puberty without anyone even realizing it, and naturally started exploring my sexuality. When my parents discovered my stash of lingerie mags when I was 12 years old, they were so furious. I got a long lecture about the many "evils" of nudity, sex and masturbation and was promptly shipped off to the local religious authority the next Sunday for a graphic discussion of my "sins" -- one-on-one behind closed doors no less. I'm just thankful that the guy apparently wasn't gay or a hebephile -- I know now that the church regularly covered up molestation and sex abuse cases. Nevertheless, make no mistake -- these events still scarred me for life. This old man I hardly even knew asked me VERY intimate questions, and instructed me in a solemn tone that "touching myself" was expressly forbidden and that I'd have to "repent" very hard if I had done such an atrocious thing. Of course I lied through my teeth and told him that I never masturbated, when in reality I'd been doing it for at least a year and had no intention of stopping, even if it would damn my soul -- it was the one respite I had in my life at that point, when I was being ruthlessly bullied every day at school AND at church. Then for some reason I got it into my head that touching myself directly was bad, but maybe indirectly wouldn't be so terrible. Ever since I have been unable to masturbate properly -- I always have to stimulate myself with cloth -- at the time I used my pajamas, though as I grew I switched to boxers. I hope I don't have to explain how unhealthy that is -- never using lube and rubbing into dry fabric? Yeah. I was circumcised because of my parents' religion, too. Even now, years after I left that toxic religion behind and discarded their beliefs, I still feel "dirty" and "guilty" if I touch myself directly. I've tried to change but the feelings are too deeply-seated.

Unfortunately I also lived in an area inundated with that religion in my early teens, so my "sexual education" in the 7th grade was extremely bare-bones -- we learned the basics from a scientific standpoint in Health class, along with total abstinence. My father attempted to give me "The Talk" the same year, but he was so nervous and embarrassed that I really couldn't learn a thing. Of course I didn't have a lot of friends at that point, so I didn't even know what a "condom" was until I was in high school. Then I relied on internet sources for most of my REAL sexual education -- mostly porn and Wikipedia. Hell, I didn't even understand what a tampon was until my mid 20's! I'm glad that there are more resources out there for kids these days, though I still worry that "family filters" and other such censoring technology will make it impossible for them to get the education they really need.

My dad caught me once more when I was in high school -- he found a DVD I had burned with some softcore porn on it, and quietly told me to stop. Thankfully he didn't tell my mom -- she always was the stricter parent. Of course I didn't heed his instruction -- masturbation was a regular habit for me by then. And then when I was in college, I came home early one weekend to find my dad in his home office. He looked really surprised and panicked when I walked in, and I knew something was off, so I walked over and saw porn on his monitor. Imagine my surprise! He was so embarrassed and ashamed, and apologized to me profusely, but I just told him it was okay and changed the subject. We never discussed it again. In hindsight I wish we could have had a discussion... But both of my parents have always been kind of emotionally unavailable; we never have "deep" talks. More recently I discovered some more porn on my dad's home server, and I think it's good that his needs are being filled somehow. My mom seems to positively loathe anything remotely sexual. She's perfectly content to watch R-rated movies with foul language, violence and gore, but the moment a bare breast or a steamy scene comes on she has to fast-forward through it or change the channel. Honestly I'm not sure how I'm even here!

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had accepted the sexual repression pressed on me by my parents and their religion. I'm glad that I walked my OWN path and accepted my OWN beliefs on the subject. It was the first of their ridiculous beliefs that I directly disagreed with and disobeyed, and probably led to my eventual exit from the religion. Of course I had to lie about it for years -- there were regular "worthiness interviews" in which I'd meet with a local religious authority and again be asked very intimate questions. Even though I had to do it to protect myself, I still hated lying, and I think it had a huge impact on my mental health. For more than a decade I had to live a double life, secretly watching porn and masturbating regularly while insisting the contrary to anyone who had the gall or "authority" to ask. I'm sure this is a common occurrence for men and women under such religious authority, and I wonder how they can live with their hypocrisy. I've always wondered how many of my peers and even elders secretly engaged in "illicit" sexual acts while preaching abstinence. And I wondered how many girls and boys were molested behind those closed doors while they were alone with older men who had all the power. I'm certain it hasn't made the headlines like the Catholic sex abuse scandals only because the so-called "church" is actually a disguised corporation with an undisclosed but vast amount of funds, collected as "tithing" from its members, used to cover up such occurrences.

To this day I cannot stand conservative views or arguments about sex or sexual education. Maybe I'm too liberal; I don't know. For years I viewed myself as a "pervert," though I now realize that I'm simply human; liking sex and masturbation is actually normal, though many would refute it. Too many people are wholly unable or unwilling to discuss the subject, content to keep it hidden behind closed doors or swept under the rug. Too many people still consider it to be "sinful" or "dirty." It's a damn good thing it feels so good, or I'd fear for the continuation of our species. We need to teach sexual education to our children BEFORE they enter puberty, perhaps in the second or third grade -- I know I was curious about babies and about girls' bodies at that age. We need to accept that humans are inherently sexual creatures, even as children -- to stop preaching about "preserving innocence" when all we're really doing is promoting ignorance. We need to do away with the antiquated curricula like abstinence-only education, and actually teach our kids about safe sex, birth control, STIs and other important concepts. I find it absurd that even now, in 2015, only 22 out of our 50 states require public schools to teach sex education, and only 19 require that it be medically, factually or technically accurate. In the state where I grew up, kids are still receiving sub-par health education because it is one of 31 states that DO NOT require information on contraception in their curriculum.

I could rant for hours on the subject but I guess it accomplishes nothing. I simply don't understand why some people are so backwards in their thinking. And it pains me to think that there are still kids out there suffering from a lack of basic knowledge, and from sexual repression, like I did. I just... wish I could change the world.