This has been a big part of your self-identity for a long time now, hasn't it? That means that it's not just eating that has to change -- it's your whole identity! Of course it's not going to be easy for you, you've got to figure out who you are without it. That's going to take a while, just as it took a while to build this identity.

Besides, you know that this isn't really about food, this is about a lot of other things. THOSE things will take a while to settle into new patterns. The eating part is the easy part, and if that really was all it was about it wouldn't be nearly as difficult, would it?

Yes, baby steps. You might try something small, like a nice juice (NOT orange juice, or any other citrus -- too much acid for your tummy), or a little bit of egg bread with sweet butter. Just something comforting, like the apple juice your mother used to give you when you didn't feel well, or some jello. My "little somethings" are tomato juice or pickles, but I don't purge so don't have the same restrictions you do. Some peanut butter on a cracker, maybe. (That's good for you, too: a nice mix of protein, fat, and carbohydrate.) Just a little something, when you're alone and relaxed and can just experience having it stay down.

It can be done, of course, even though it's hard.

While you're NOT thinking about all this, though, think about who you want to be. Who you are besides all this. It's so easy to get to where we focus on this to the exclusion of anything else. I forget who else I am. I forget that I'm creative, strong (largely because I no longer am because of losing a third of my body weight), capable, an excellent teacher, a good analyst, curious, attractive, sparkling, and all the other attributes I used to incorporate into my self-image. Now, instead, I find myself thinking I'm fat or thin, based on what the scale says in the morning. (And even there, the scale has said the same thing every morning for a long time, so it's the lack of additional weight loss, rather than weight gain, that makes for a Fat Day.) Even though this forms my identity, it's also stripped me of the rest of my identity. More of my energy goes into either hiding my weakness, hiding how little I eat, or scheming to eat even less -- there's damn little energy left for anything that would extend my identity.

So, baby steps, Justy. Baby steps. Stand up on those baby legs, and sway a little. That's enough for today. Keep a little list, in crayon if you like so you can put colors on it, of all your other attributes. Are you creative? A good cook? A loving mother? Kind? Put those on your list. And get yourself a nice body lotion, so you can love your body just a little as you put it on. Little things like that help.

Be well, and be more than you are now.