So about 2 years ago my father first showed signs of dementia. Present time he has now been hospitalized twice in the last 2 weeks and is presently in a nursing home that is not set up for a person in his condition. My mother as always just assumed that all places referred would be fine and later found out that this one is anything close to being acceptable. I am the only one who has not gone to see him since he has been in and out in the last few weeks. I don't want to see him weak, I do not want to be weak. I also don't want to lose my mind on people there as I can't handle situations like this well and can become very hostile when stuck in a situation I do not like. I have definitely distanced myself from him since he began to be someone else probably because I didn't want to deal with the inevitable. Today I am numb, I also find myself thinking about the past and alot of things that maybe I have not done correctly. I also know that my fathers time is limited and with that along comes already somewhat loosing him just to happen again when the final stage comes. I can't talk to too many people about this so I just assumed write about my thoughts here. I know this doesn't have to do with Narcissism but this is in fact a narcissist writing of his own self feelings and thoughts. Guess it's ok then!! I am in no way looking to be consoled or to have others feel sympathy for, I just wanted to write about it. This was a man I always looked up to. When I was about 8 he was taken to a hospital via ambulance and I sat in his closet with a survival knife held to my chest warning that if he didn't come home I would stab myself. Luckily he came home lol. ANyway just to give some ideas on how it was for me. Don't really know what I am seeking but I did have to tell someone else.
Thanks for reading!!