i feel so bad and i do bad things



i don't know what is going to happen with my job and benefits but if it all goes the way i think it will...i won't be able to go to the T or docs anymore or pay for meds...



i put up an ad online on one of those adult sex sites...i have actually considered following through...letting men have sex with me is the worst SI i can imagine!!! it's quite intoxicatingly attractive - i don't think i could recover from that



for now i continue SI-ing there...i found a great new cutting tool...works like a charm...haven't gone very deep yet...i hope it gets infected....i'll make myself see a man doctor and be forced to expose myself...my putrid disgusting self



...the only love in my heart is for my two pups and my family...the rest is darkness....black shadows....emptiness....void of light, hope, love, emotion....just nothing....