this video hit me exactly, mainly why I am feeling how I'm feeling. This is exactly me.

I was always felt my mom never gave a damn how I felt neither did my dad or my sister. Same for her, I never wanted to go out with people.

Most girls aren't interested in me for who I am. I have to self centering and shutting down. It's true very true, I don't like people who meet my needs, because I don't have the patience to find someone for someone to find any.

I hate not being myself and I hate being myself both lead to neglect to my needs and people find it what I do not good enough. So I gave up on everyone to cope. I gave up listening to anyone. Like It's a start, but I stopped opening up altogether. I've been so defeated by wanting someone to love the real me. I just stopped trying to do something about it, because it was too inconvenient for too long and I was tired of working all my energy for being ignored.

So all I do is shut others out constantly feeling like I'm not good enough, never feeling satisfied feeling like I'm disposable. I act the opposite in public as my face, but I truly rather had wished my moments I'd been dead happened. It's a slow death I'm living and is very painful. Whether people tell me nice things or not either way doesn't help. It shouldn't I know what helps and I know I have not earned it for whatever reason.

It's what makes me so angry all the time and why I hate doing everything I don't want to go ahead with my life, because I feel I'm not good enough. That my mom and dad taught me to shut out my needs when I need those needs the most. When I was raped I was told to shut up. My mom tried doing that again with this lawsuit this guy wants to put on me, for him running me over. It's like I rather be dead than spend one more day working myself to an unemotional uneventful and monotonous excruciating lonely existence I have I rather been dead. Like it's a need, I'd rather not feel anything or get what I need. It's that simple.

It's the most hopeless feeling you want to reach out when you open up. People will still be sympathetic, I was open with two girls I was friends with for a year, and talked to them all the time, but they never thought anything of me except give me pity. Yes partly my fault, but really I wished they'd be more open and they usually were and I didn't ask for it. I was grateful for everything, but it hurts a lot when you think you're doing it alright and you feel that they really care, but turns out they just disposed you like everyone else.

It's like no one has a soul. It's like people don't care no matter what.

It's so frustrating, because all I want is to feel loved, and yes you can argue and put an effort to say it should come from myself. It's a ******** answer, because their is no guidelines how to do it and even when I have had figured that out, it's anecdotal it's not a true cure for this it's very much a delay for inevitable lonely life I chose to put up with. Right now I could say I would move far away and just not talk to anyone ever again being myself alone in the woods constantly finding things to keep my mind busy, but that won't help.

In the end, I have failed miserably to make anything happen I've failed very so to the point it's all unwravelling how I invested to my needs and never getting anything out of it and being told to be patient. I don't have patience anymore. I think it's all garbage all of it. It's not going to change anything whether I choose to change my attitude for a while or not. I've done all I can, my point is to put out that it's not getting what I need. I need something very specific and I need it now.

I don't go out, see people often, because I can't afford a car atm, because I'm paying my parents crap I was forced to and now I'm starting to get that going and that I wasn't allowed to drive to get better at it till recently at 21 almost 22. It's like I'm being treated like I can't do anything, because of whatever reason. I am "defiant" because I know what I need, but my parents friends whoever don't get they push themselves on me and I will push back and keep them off me if I feel they don't belong where they are at in my life.

I have constant hallucinations and my thoughts always haunt me. It's like I can't have time to enjoy anything, or do a life I want.