Hi.

Short version: I am extremely depressed because I am absolutely lonely after moving away from home with my husband. Not in school, no job yet, social anxiety has kept me from going out much, depression is making me feel worse and worse about my situation every day. I have no friends here and my husband has grown angry with me for the "change" in my personality, but I am scared of failing. I know I need to go out but I don't know if I can. My husband's anger scares me because I worry he will want a divorce after seeing the worthless side of me that can't get out of bed and cries all day... Any suggestions would be so appreciated!

Long version: Recently, my husband decided to go back to college and we moved. I left my family and all my friends behind, and I am not making any friends here due to social anxieties. I have always been told I have depression, but (according to the test offered here) I have some signs of Borderline Personality Disorder that fit, but I didn't even know that existed. It fits better than "depression," as I usually feel my worst when someone I care about doesn't have time for me-- "I don't deserve love" comes intoy head often, though I know I do.

My mother has depression and has seen therapists since my father died in 1997, my stepfather has a short fuse and shouts easily (but not abusive, never belittled me), and my husband of 1 year has trouble controlling his anger (very recently he has belittled me).

My longterm memory is very bad, I have only snippets of anything before high school, so I go off the stories my mom tells. Mom's job is a neurologist (aka nerves/brain function, no surgery) so she got me tested for a slew of things very young. I have taken depression medicine and ADD medicine on and off since 5th grade, elementary school. Antidepressants make me feel absolutely empty, and my ADD meds made me better in school but worse socially. I have been the weird kid stereotype on steroids (minus any steroid use). I do not do well off meds, but I at least understand how to somewhat deal with my problems vs the emptiness while on meds which I had/have no idea how to address. I experimented with "self medication" by smoking pot and cigarettes in college, but the combo only made me cough and not actually address my problems. I have never enjoyed alcohol, as my mother told me horrible stories of my father's alcoholism that led him to his untimely death.

I gradually became less socially anxious in high school when I had a group of friends, but now (after moving to a new city) I am a wreck and can't even imagine going out for coffee without someone to latch on to. But without friends and with my husband in class all day, I have no one to go out with. I cannot leave my house alone for fear of... Social encounters, I guess? Even though I WANT to meet people... I don't even know why specifically it frightens me, because I miss talking to people and spend so much time online trying to talk to my friends from back home, but physical interaction feels scarier than it has for a long time.

I often have a general anxiety my mother always coined as "neurotic," but I do not experience panic attacks with shortness of breath. Just fear that makes me forget words and start sweating/overheating. The fear of feeling that fear keeps me from doing a lot of things I want to do, and my hatred of myself for being so afraid grows just as fast as my loneliness... It gets harder to even get up each day. I've been sleeping past noon, hours and hours, because being awake just reminds me that I am unproductive and worthless. When I'm awake, I read or watch tv or desperately try to text my friends back home between their schedules even though there's a 3 hour timezone difference.

My husband has recently started getting mad at me for how little I've done since the move, and today he snapped and shouted hurtful things, called me a disappointment. I wanted to disappear.

I have calmed down and while I do have general thoughts like "I wish I could disappear" I have not self harmed or ever attempted suicide, and I don't plan on starting. Still, I thought about finding a therapist, but I am jobless and therefore next to penniless after bills, so I will try this forum first. Any suggestions would be so appreciated!