Thanks all for the support ... some updates and I am sort of sad about them and yet only kind of hopeful b/c starting DBT therapy this week:

The last leg of the trip (we drove home, 2 days in the car) we stayed over night in between travels. I had certain expectations i guess, was tired and worn from driving..
We get to hotel, in a cute town that i hoped to explore. He is tired and wants to go out to dinner, and then maybe check the town out (or as i heard it: have dinner, check back at hotel, see town after briefly before heading to bed). ~ Mind you, he is not one to easily just 'go to town' or go out spontaneously often- though it has happened it is rare ~

We go to dinner, i had trouble deciding what to order (this is a restaurant chain that i used to go allot w/ my Ex-H so maybe a trigger there? ) and so i tell him I will order a meal he will like and he does the same, so we can share. We get a drink, take silly pics and are tired but happy. Suddenly, dont know if alcohol or just tired, or miscommunication, or a Seafood allergy? (i ended up getting sick and still not sure if it was from stress of trip or food). I get into a fight w/ him (not even sure why but i felt it was all his fault..), start crying, and leave the Restr. I insisted on paying (i wanted to treat from the start). I am crying in front of our waitress, i cant even look at her!!!! it was SO OOOOO embarrassing. We prob looked like we just broke up or something. I was hysterically crying, had to smoke. We go back to hotel, and start really getting heated. (again, both tired). Said things we later regretted. Eventually, broke down apologizing (feel like i always do first..perhaps it truly is my bad.) and basically once i am a puddle on the floor: he then suggested : Lets go to town, get dressed, i want to help you get your mind in a better place. Lets not end the trip like this. ~~ So, we had a very healing walk together in a really adorable town. Tho my head was low, I felt like **** and even worse, my dreams of that night being special, and different then last time * were crushed. Did i jinx myself w/ too much pressure to be 'perfect' and not misbehave? I was hoping..... things would have been calmer.

About the * last time: Last year same time we did a vaca as well, same thing drove south, wonderful vaca, and stayed 1/2 way in hotel. Well, on the drive home last year, same **** happened, (prior to my DX) i recall getting super anxious, sad, expectations not met, crying, etc etc. Ending up mad we dont have sex. That kind of thing which in hindsight , I obviously have pattern here. He can be very structured, (is German) -- when tired he is grumpy (he doesnt easily admit this, though that night i was very quick to point it out). and sometimes he can be also moody- and then we are like dynamite ... I wish i can be more of a rock for him, more supportive and get so angry at myself for not being better GF. He gets upset that i even pressure myself like this: saying i am setting myself up for the upsets w/ that much pressure. I see his point.

It is problem that i want to overcome and stop repeating (b/c at this point, i had exact same crap w/ my Ex-Husband ie: rewind back to 2004: just married and refused to take the cruise to our honeymoon ~ i didn't like the cruise ship. it didn't meet my standards so I walked OFF the friking boat and schlepped our luggage... through the city, to take a train home, it was CRAZY what i did back then and wrote a letter complaining to the cruise co- and ended up getting a refund/voucher for another cruise. ! ) But that was so drama, and set up my marriage for failure literally right after we said "I do". :/

I believe I have these ridiculous fairy-tale notions that are simply unrealistic. (my mother was same way btw, always had to get HER way... my dad is a total enabler and push over for her demands). When i dream of our vaca, i have a certain idea in my head that is like set in stone. Sometimes my BF meets and even exceeds my dreams, with surprises and cool ideas. I love that! It is special, organic and the way he is. I need to stop having such insane expectations, just to be let down.

This is what i need help with, and once my expectations are not met (likely allot in my life, lets face it **** just happens)- i need a way to cope. I tried, in the hotel, i put on music, i zoned out, i tried to count to 10 (err- 100) ... my BF was sitting there like "can we talk"... he felt ignored. I explained what i was doing, so he could understand: i was trying to stop myself from screaming and throwing things and punching the walls.

This: i need to stop. I must stop it! Otherwise: my RL will not last, my life will basically be very pathetic and lonely. sigh