A little concerned and nervous; spoke to my psychiatric nurse (for the last time in his current role as he has lost his job due to budget cuts... But surprisingly and kindly has given me his personal mobile number and wants to keep in touch) today and said that he will come see me at some point soon, even should that be in hospital. This latter bit has sparked a bit of 'oh crap' as I realise that all correspondence about my current predicament goes into an accessible server that is viewed by those responsible for my care... And therefore, connecting the dots can only guess that this is under discussion.

A large part of this conclusion fills me with dread as my past experiences in hospital have not been easy, but in a sort of apathetic way I guess I'd be resigned to it if it occurs. I'm getting the impression that the staff at the crisis house are feeling I'm at too much risk to myself for what they are able to deal with.

It's a shame really as the premises is beautiful and since they moved me to a better room, the issues of noise sensitivity have gone down... But yeah, in a third person view, I know I'm pretty unstable at the moment.

Back on the topic of the nurse I mentioned above, he sent me a text yesterday (we've spoken since) saying he was sorry I was going through such a bad patch and then added to my surprise and charinge that he felt it was all his fault... I quickly replied that I did not hold him accountable for any of what has happened and that if I'd inferred that in the past week where my frame of reference has been shaky at best, I could only sincerely apologise.