I know what you mean. I was constantly extremely full manic high and drunk or manic in a weird disorganized word salad kind of way out of control for months and wow. I controlled a whole group of people and they made me a moderator "Tweaky" and thousands of people liked to watch me eat my fkng breakfast on cam lol and with so many complements, they drooled on me and idek how to explain.

I would be convinced that they are a spy or something and argue for hours. I would be convinced that I was a psychological genius but people there were not in the right mind just mostly about meeting up with others. 100% primitive brain in thinking. Then there were normal people and I made good friends and the reason I went on cam was to help with my paranoia and build tolerance. Didn't work. That place is completely messed up and I became quite traumatized at the amount of pedophiles there were. I was good friends with one so I thought he was joking about the thinking idek stuff like molesting a 90 year old like he would with a 4 year old. It was so messed up. He was targeting young girls. He told me everything but I was talking to myself and him at the same time and didn't remember until I looked over it when I wasn't out of it.

I helped people because no one else would and it's sad. People kicked me while I was down on a crash but I owned them when high. A girl would be suicidal with her bf and had a knife, I called the guy and her parents took the knife away on cam. Pretty weird that I help people idk why. A year before that I was helping with depression. I've heard it all from having cancer to a girl that wanted to kill herself because her parents took away her phone.

People just don't help and ignore. It's rare. I feel a compulsion to do it. One girl said I was hitting on her so her "bf" and I could argue for her entertainment. I lost it completely because I was helping her with suicide!! I persisted and she eventually told the truth.

I know how most people are and I'm trying to figure out so much **** and it's like well it's random and so is life. I can do anything to change the future just by moving my hand or something.

The things that I said were completely insane and people got jealous and trolled me for being the worst person moderator smoking a joint on cam. It was a cigarette and I chain smoked and drank heavily and the chat was full of a lot of people viewing my cam named as "IWantYoungBoy" and x to those and block.. IP ban. I just found the place cuz I was so sick and couldn't sleep.

Idk why I'm always liked but it's either hate me too much to ignore what good they should expect or like me too much to expect what they would have ignored without knowing who I was. self medicating until everything crashed down on me for not taking my meds or something. Dropped my laptop and declared that I won't go through another 2 or so weeks without Concerta and knew it would be prescribed again which happened again just recently...

My mood is primarily environmentally based and I get a good buzz when people around me are happy unless I'm suicidal or something then that makes it worse because everyone is drinking and I can't drink with meds etc and blame myself for the illness and irrational self reflected stupidity that I should have done something about it but I can't dwell on the past. I was shocked as to what happened in my life.

I was told by my teacher that I was constantly hearing voices and most was about Ireland idk why. Then I was in the hospital don't remember and remember be ambulance to the mental hospital and they said I was in psychosis and I got annoyed because I thought that I was completely fine BECAUSE I WAS (In my mind ah nvm). Before I thought that and like.. People that support me will say that I'm sick no matter what if I'm not causing destruction.

I hope you get that spark back. But you have some motivation. I believe that a person can try that hard and get passed schizophrenia or maybe it's mood related help like with bipolar idk.

I taught myself that the low can always be increased with a drug that helps with paranoia especially, let alone not causing it. At least it's something to keep me going for now.

But that's not possible. The feeling hijacks my mind and insight is lost by thinking if be that way forever. I KNOW with practice that it gets better and you get experience and then you don't even have to think about it, knowing you will be better and fight for your life against these damn dangerous medications and the government control. It's why I smoked weed which was to build tolerance to psychotic episodes but I lost my mind completely so no more of that.. I'm afraid of withdrawing from Prozac because I could die from sudden death. I am that 0.00000000000001% or something so they don't believe me. I went off it survived had anxiety through the ceiling to space. Now I have hundreds and can tamper off. Getting back on it made me manic faak

It can get better trust me. Seeking knowledge about the world and being able to stop and use it at the same time while knowing that you're going to die some day is what I want as it's like the opposite of an addictive personality kind of.

Soz I seriously thought that I would not write this much. Just a few lines.