I have always been unnecessarily terrified of gaining weight-of developing diabetes and cancer as well, but that is another story for another time. Though I have improved quite a bit, there are still days when eating causes me an unbearable guilt. It is a heavy nausea which sits upon my stomach, causing my breath to quicken. I have taught myself to ignore these thoughts, and they have quieted, but they haven't fully been vanquished and I don't believe they ever will be. Honestly, I fear the paranoia will regain its strength and I will return to my old restrictive ways. I don't mind a restrictive diet and exercise plan, really. It's the overwhelming guilt every time I eat an apple-The masochistic relationship with my reflection I can't bear.
I have this overwhelming fear my loved ones might become obese and/or develop diabetes or cancer as well. It's sort of a two-for-one deal. The "might" quickly turns to "will" and I am enveloped with feelings of dread. Why did I not warn them of the importance of sunscreen? I shouldn't have bought my brother that coke. I have identified "triggers", as they are called, and try my best to avoid them. Save for one, which is unavoidable.
I suppose I am rambling on, so I shall get to the point. I can't help but feel a suffocating panic when a family member gains weight. My older brother and my mother both have gained weight and,though I know this to be shallow, I am bothered by it. I feel all the old paranoia surfacing-the murmurs growing louder.
I know beauty is only skin deep and I know thin does not necessarily equate to beauty. I am not a callous ***** looking down upon all who dare eat a hamburger, nor do I believe a person's character is something which can be judged by their girth. Yet for some reason, this does not cease the distress.
I hesitate to write this in the Eating-Disorders thread, for labeling it as such would, in my opinion, be an insult to those who have it much worse off than I.
I really don't know why I wrote this. If you've advice, please give it, and if you've a similar fear please share it.