Suicide and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

When I first joined PC, I was becoming very suicidal. I have made an effort to try to describe how PC looked to me when I joined because I had never done anything like PC before.

This article talks about fear of being let down by individuals that are supposed to help you. Well, it was not something I imagined, it really was what did happen to me. Also, unfortunately so much trauma took place where I also live that I was being triggered constantly and I did not understand that at the time at all. The other thing that challenged me is that the individual/individuals responsible for the trauma I experienced continued to invade, especially when I was alone.

I became dangerously suicidal because I really had no one helping me at all. And everyone around me was insisting I "just forget and just deal and just, just, just".

The one thing that did help me was coming across a thread about having these suicidal episodes, that was so important to me because it was only place I was exposed to individuals that were talking about what I was going through. Then, I got lucky in that I came across a vet who told me to pay attention to how it's like a wave that comes in, hits hard, then eases off. That really saved my life because I was having so many of these episodes and when I did try to talk about it the response from my husband was anger and even "go ahead then".

When this vet told me to pay attention to these episodes and see how they come, crest, and ease off and go away, I did pay attention and I dealt with that ALL ALONE. I hung on to recognizing I would get a break and that I could manage it. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced in my entire life, and I have experienced some big challenges in my life including almost dying and having my body completely opened up and healing from that was a huge challenge and I also had to learn how to accept that horrific scar too. It really was horrible looking for a very long time too.

What I want to say about this part of the PTSD challenge is that as one gets help and the right support, it eventually does slowly go away. I did battle this horrific stage for several months. I always say to others that I meet here, PATIENCE is so important, and I know that to be true. For a very long time I did hover over this forum because I knew how dangerous this stage was and how crucial it is to have support for it. And, I have helped others who were struggling in this stage and really did need that support with it.

Today when I met with my therapist, I told him that I can still be challenged at times with something I call criss crossing. What happens with that challenge is I can be in a scenario and hear or see a phrase or comment that triggers me to reply but I reply in a way where I am dealing with whatever that trigger is that I experienced in a different past situation. To my relief my therapist said YES, this does take place with PTSD, this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I said, the problem is that I tend to get punished for it and it makes me want to retreat/avoid and I have been trying to find a way to say, "sorry, I just did a criss cross" and I am not aware of it when I do this. However, if I am helped with it when it does happen, I can actually learn a lot from it. The only way I can gain on these scenarios is by looking at what triggered it, and thinking about how that did happen in the now, but also at other times where I was actually "hurt" by it.

I do not know "why" my brain/mind does this and others notoriously react badly when it happens too. What I have learned is that if it does happen and I can see what it connects to and acknowledge it, the chance of it happening the same way again lessens.

I think it is important to understand that our brains do store things in ways we do not realize, and often these memories are stored in areas of the brain that don't have language. Working on healing through PTSD, is learning to be patient with it and that the healing actually happens in "little pieces'. Experiencing a PTSD cycle is really not anything others will understand either, and it is important that one try to find some support with individuals that do understand and have the ability to offer support that actually helps the healing and gaining on PTSD happen.