"The severity of PTSD symptoms tends to increase with the severity and duration of the trauma." quote from article

This is what has challenged me. The trauma I experienced did overwhelm me just as discribed in this link and I did want to die and that is not something I had ever experienced before. But I had been addressing so many injuries and I simply got both physically and mentally exhausted. After four months of being overwhelmed and losing a pony in spite of my efforts to save her, I simply crashed. I did not understand what hyper vigilance was, but that is what I was in those four months until I crashed.

I did not "imagine" not being helped or being failed, I experienced it. I really was failed and my negligent neighbor continued to intrude. When anyone does that it really does trigger me severely now. But, what I want so much is to get the chance to finally answer that question that I was left with that I experienced a flashback and could not answer. My attorney was failing with worsening dementia, and while the opposing side did try to schedule a date with him to finish deposing me, he continued to not only fail to tell me but to even remember it was on the schedule. It is coming on five years now since that unfinished deposition and I never got to finish being deposed. I literally begged him to make sure to get that done, I was crying and struggling with suicidal thoughts with no help at all for it. This lawyer stood up and said to me that day, well, I gave you time and listened to you, you need to know that I usually make $800.00 and hour so I did you a favor. He did not do me a favor because he still failed to not only inform me that there were depositions scheduled, but he actually forgot them. I figured out three missed depositions, I don't know if there were more because I am not allowed to call the opposing attorney to find out.

I am still dealing with this lawsuit and it's been 8 years and counting now. My now ex attorney had even filed it in the wrong court system. I asked him about that too and he insisted he did not. My therapist told me that because of how I have been kept in this trauma that I am now chronic. I can say for sure that prolonging a trauma like this really aggrivates the PTSD.

"Survivors of traumatic experiences are often told, Its in the past. Forget about it and get on with your life, Why cant you just forget about all that, and enjoy life like a normal person? If we could simply get on with life, they would have done it. PTSD helps explain why it is so hard for the chronically suicidal to recover. Because we were suicidal, we subsequently suffered many of the conditions associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. These conditions are serious problems in their own right; they are formidable barriers in the recovery process." quote from article

This is what I have been told over and over and over again. My new lawyer said to me one day when I was really struggling, "Don't let this get to you, just think happy thoughts". All of my family and friends pretty much said the above to me constantly and grew angry and resentful towards me when I struggled.

I hate how it all took place where I live, I loved where I live, but I can't say I feel safe here. Every day is such a battle because I hate the PTSD, I want to get rid of that and feel safe to love my farm again, oh how I want that so much.