Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayblue
I've had feelings like this about traumatic experiences because they weren't 'traumatic enough compared to other people' and that has kept me from talking about them for so long. Or acknowledging even to myself that they were a struggle. Sometimes memories have come up for me at odd moments or in dreams and I've just pushed them away. Coming to realise they are real, important and have deeply effected me has been challenging.
If I channel my T for a moment, she says "If it made you shut down in some way, it was enough, thats all that matters'. So if you are impacted, or effected by it, then thats the only qualification - no other comparison or measure really matters.
Its been very hard to push back against all those expectations of "deal with it, others have it worse, just move on, forget about it, focus on other things, think on the bright side, help others, don't feel sorry for yourself" etc all that common sense stuff that in this context actually doesn't make sense.
And i wholeheartedly agree that freezing is a sign it was not consensual, you don't have to blame yourself or expect yourself to have dealt with it differently.
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I remember asking my mother years ago whether the doctor she took me to to fix my height (when I was 8-13 years) was legit. He basically molested me at every visit, in the next room, while she waited outside. I became completely self-loathing and, but blamed myself for this, I was obviously a freak physically, and this treatment to fix 'my height' was going to pay off. But them when puberty hit, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and I spiralled into a depression and disgust about myself. I don't remember much of my visits to him, other than his 'feeling up' or me and digital rape, that had no basis in his weirdo science anyway. My mother has only now admitted that she didn't pay enough attention as to what was going on in his private office.
It is only now in my early 40s that I'm really suffering mentally about all of this.It sucks - I really would like to say 'it didn't really matter'. But that's not working.
LB
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One foot in reality - the other in fantasy. Still trying to work out who is calling the shots.
