I was feeling just fine while my mom and I were driving up the mountains looking at the autumn leaves this morning, and when we drove back, I rolled my window back up and then said "Roll them up!" to her, meaning the back windows because they were pelting my ears. It always irritates me when they do that. She thought the way I said it was very demanding and rude, so she told me I can't get away with talking like that to anyone else, and not saying "please". For some reason this sent me into a storm of anger and upset feelings, and made me even MORE vicious. Maybe it had something to do with "no one will like you if you talk like that to them". Or maybe she made me feel guilty about not talking "nicely".

I had old suicidal feelings resurface that I have no friends, no one loves me and I should just kill myself now, and I've been crying. I don't know why. It's very weird. I have no job, no social outlet, I just stay in the house all day every day, but I don't know how to get a good job and find people my age.