So...been on the NPD screening quiz so many times before, and always scored lower than "normal".

This time, I don't know whether I finally looked at things from another's point of view, or had some kind of out-of-mind experience or something (more objective), but after answering all the questions I scored a 22.

Also, I think I was thrown on previous occasions by the way the questions are asked, I realized just by not doing those things all the time/habitually, doesn't qualify me to say I don't, and if I were not so fat and had a great body, I'd probably be staring at myself in the mirror for half the day.

My dad is in all likelihood a narcissist. The teacher that bullied me at school was in all likelihood a narcissist.

I have autism and I interact better with objects and hobbies/obsessions than people. I like having alone time. I never feel like greeting my colleagues and making conversation when I walk into my "office-setting" in the morning, I just go straight to my office and get started on my PC. I hate the "How are you this morning?" thing. I feel sh--t, for the last few years already. I'm dead on the inside.

So, I am mostly on my own, which means I'm probably self-absorbed.

All my life, I've been rejected by people, other kids, older people, it never mattered. I had to find my own way in life, my own "crevice/cave" to inhabit and survive in. There was nobody who held my hand and said it was OK, those kids were nasty or whatever. Oh no, nothing was said to or for me, so it just became my own fault. I took the lumps and learned how to survive such incidents in the least painful and least-loss manner.

So, I guess it doesn't matter where it came from, narcissism - it's now part of me too.

Nobody wanted to love me, so I had no choice but to try give myself the love I so desperately want. Still, today, nobody wants to love me, so I try to love myself more and more.

But, seriously, what do you do when just nobody and I mean nobody finds you good enough for even a friendship? What do you do? How many more hours must I spend listening to them talking about themselves and feign interest in stuff I don't really care about? I guess I am a heartless monster that way, but, I'm truly just not interested in these banalities other "normal" people seem to care about so deeply.

I also realize everything I do is out of a bruised ego trying to heal, but it itself doesn't even realize just how large it is.

Everything I do, I do because I want to mean something. I want people to benefit from something I've done. I guess I want to be a hero, and then maybe people will love me, and I won't need to love myself so much anymore. Maybe they'll accept me better.

I also have to be the best at everything I do, and do the best I can possibly do, when I do it. There is no room for compromise and I'm willing to go way more than just the extra mile. Things aren't done till I feel they are as perfect as they can be.

I guess it doesn't matter how it came about, if you have NPD, you have it, even if it was caused by others early in life.

So...oh well, kinda forgot what I actually wanted to achieve with this thread, other than say it's probably time for me to face the facts that I have an inflated ego.