Thanks for sharing. May I ask you how old you are? Nothing that important perhaps but still. That sounds harsh not getting any help because you choose to quit, it sounds a bit like a punishment.
Do you still believe in therapy or does that feel like a closed door? I ask because there has to be T:s who specialise in social anxiety and who could help you more efficienly than the T:s you met earlier on.
I agree with you on suicide by principal but itīs still very hard living like this, itīs no life and the thought I always get back to is that I waste and Iīve wasted a lot of time and I donīt know what to do about it.
I hope things turn to the better for you as well, Iīll add you to my friends list if you like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneInBillions
You sound quite a bit like me. I guess people would say I'm "close" to my parents but it's a distant kind of close; they've always been pretty emotionally unavailable and I cannot talk to them about anything serious. I spend every weekend with them but I still feel very lonely. I have no friends and have never been in a relationship, either. And I had to quit the only real job I've ever had because the anxiety and depression became overwhelming. I can't even get government help with unemployment or insurance because I quit; I knew I should have done something to make them fire me instead!
I've got severe social anxiety so I've been isolated for a long time; I'm terrified of meeting people face-to-face so I'm pretty much resigned to being friendless. And I don't get the care I need either; I tried therapy and medication for about a year but it just didn't work for me. And it costs too much to continue. I also spend all my time alone, with no support groups other than forums like this one. And nobody knows me, either... Even my own parents don't truly know me. Anonymous people on the internet know me better than any real people I've ever known! I also long for someone who REALLY knows me and accepts me even with the abundance of flaws. And I hold out the hope that it's possible.
All that said, I think we have a little support here, however anonymous it may be. Sure it's not as helpful as therapy, but at least it's free! And at least we're not just talking to you so we can take your money; that was kind of how therapy felt to me, too.
If you'd like to chat, I'd be happy to listen. IMO the friendless should stick together! I can't guarantee I'll give good advice or even tell you what you want to hear but... I think an "ear" to listen can really help. And I'll certainly never talk about turning to God -- I'm a convinced atheist and have had really bad experiences with religion, and hate it when people tell me I need to find God or Jesus. Nah, they're the ones who put me in this mess according to your worldview; I'm good without them, thanks.
I have thoughts about ending it all, too. I really do get it. Often I feel like a useless person and a waste of space. But in the end I always manage to talk myself out of it, and I hope you can too. I don't believe there's anything at all after death, only oblivion, so it feels like such a waste to end my one and only life prematurely. Yeah there's going to be plenty of pain and your life won't turn around miraculously; but the thing about suicide is that it takes away all the good along with the bad. You'll never have a good day again, never feel pleasure again, never find those fleeting moments of happiness. You'll never exist again... That does it for me. **** dying; I'm going to live while I've got the chance.
I sincerely hope you find your own way through this. |