Hello! I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I won't go into details but I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by my neighbor's niece, and my grandma used to touch me inappropriately around that age as well. She stopped when I told my mom about the sexual assault from the neighbor's niece.

I am just focusing on the assault from the neighbor's niece. I am very confused because I feel very numb thinking about it. I have to force myself to feel angry about it or else I will feel nothing at all. I cannot remember everything, only parts of it. I cannot remember going back home afterwards or how things started and that is what scares me. My therapist said it seems like I dissociated from the event. It's scaring me because if my mind shut down during that assault and those memories are repressed, then it probably meant something intense was happening. It's just bothering me that something more could have happened because I am now realizing that what I remember is pretty bad as it is.

What also sucks is that I am now beginning to realize that it has affected me where romantic relationships are concerned. I am not able to feel sexual attraction towards people. I have tried to see my crushes in a sexual way and I was disgusted and I felt as if I disrespected them. It did nothing for me at all. I feel arousal, just not sexual attraction towards people.

Other than that, I am scared to get close to people. I am afraid they take advantage of me.

Also, I am not sure if this is the right forum to place this in, but I am afraid that my kinks and fetishes arose from the abuse, because I discovered my kinks right after the abuse, around the age of 6, and at that age a 6 yr old should not know those things.

I am just so lost and confused and I needed to write this somewhere.

I just feel like such a weirdo.

I'd be grateful for any insight or advice that people have.

I've been thinking of joining a sexual abuse survivors group. Do you guys think that might help?

Thank you.