Dear T and Pdoc

I don't know how I am, how I feel. I don't feel bad, but I also don't feel good. I think I feel sort of numb, but not totally numb. I don't know.
I don't have motivation or hope. I don't have hopeful thoughts about the future. I don't think I have a future worth living.
With thoughts like those, I can't feel good. But then what do I feel? Sometimes I just don't understand my feelings, myself.
I feel like I should feel bad. I mean, if I have those thoughts, then I should also feel bad, right? I want to feel bad, because I feel like I should.
Sometimes it's all just so confusing.