((Pinksoil))

It really sucks when we don't connect. I had that two sessions in a row recently. Of course it's our resistance but it's not like we plan on resisting on any given day, so please don't beat yourself up.

Your post moved me to tears. I have so many of the same things going on, the ideation and thoughts of self harm. I think about turning my car off the road frequently.

Keep going and trying to connect or just go and be safe there with T. It will happen, because you two have a deep and trusting relationship. His willingness to say that he wasn't there yet is evidence of his commitment and willingness to get there.

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T asked if I felt dead.

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Two weeks ago when I was so frustrated with my inability to connect and I told T that someitimes I felt dead. He said that he thought dead was a powerful emotion. I remember looking at him and thinking, "What the hell does he mean?" "Dead means dead, zip, nada,nothing, flat (like your flatline)." I felt nothing.

But it came back and so will yours. It just took time and patience. Well, time because i was impatient. Hang in there.

In the meantime, be good to yourself.