Hey everyone. Its 3:00am here. I am thinking about my kids. I was looking at pictures and downloading music. I finally figured it out; lol. I miss my babies, its too lonely here.

While I was going through my pictures, I fell apart. It brought back things that I didn't ever want to remember. I was sexually abused when I was younger. I always try to ignore the feelings and fears I have of the past but its not so easy. I had so much anger tonight. I am afraid, afraid of dealing with all of this. This is why my eating disorder served so much purpose for me. I can't let it go.

I don't want to go for the treatment. I know its the best thing or I will be stuck in this unhappiness forever. And if this keeps going, I am as good as dead. As real as it sounds, its true. I don't want to face all of this. The nightmares are enough, to deal with it in reality, I am scared. I feel so down tonight or this morning rather. My doctor gave me pain killers, I want to take all of them. I won't do that, it just crossed my mind. It left as soon as it came but its bugging me somewhat. I feel like flushing the darn things, but I am sure I would regret it when I need them the most.

I did not take any laxatives today, and its driving me nuts. I have some in the house but am trying to stay away. I like having them here, its like a safe feeling. Strange isn't it. I am mumbling through this, sry. I like talking, (well kind of) when I am feeling this way. Just feel yucky and lonely. Am I going to make it through all of this, I don't think I am strong enough. I hate this, make this sadness go away.

Justy