Im in such a spin cycle - everythings piling on top of me and I can't sort my thoughts out.

For the last week I've just been all over the place. Everything has changed, but I can't understand why because really nothing has happened. Its all built up to me to kind of believing my 'memories'. Kind of. I go back and forth still but theres this background of knowing it is true even as Im arguing against it. That wasn't there until last week, and its shaken me to my core.

Some really freaky s**t is happening - not being in control of my own speech, or body. Stuff thats really overt that Im not used to happening.

My body is rebelling big style. I had flu which led to a chest infection which just is not shifting. Its triggered really bad asthma and I am struggling and squeaking and wheezing with every breath. Has been for over a week now. Ive been on nebulisers, antibiotics, and steroids. Steroids really mess with my head, and I can feel it happening again. That sliding in to hopelessness is gathering pace. Im telling myself over and over 'its just the steroids, its just the steroids. In three weeks you'll feel better'. But its not helping at all.

Because of the infection / asthma, I can't smoke weed, which I rely on heavily to control my emotions and keep me stable. Usually in situations like this I rely on alcohol to see me through until my lungs have improved, but right now my body is rejecting alcohol massively. It makes me sick even with the smallest, weakest amounts.

On top of this my T is on holiday. I don't have anyone else I can turn to. I know once I am at work tomorrow it will be easier. I will have other things to concentrate on. But in the meantime, I have no idea how I am going to get through Sunday. Hours and hours ahead of

(trigger) trying really hard not to kill myself. I so desperately want to give up. I don't want this anymore. I don't like whats behind me. I don't like whats ahead. Im tired. Im so tired.
(/trigger)

I know this is the steroids. I know I need to persevere and just hunker down for the next few weeks until the steroids wear off. But I don't even know how Im going to get through the next few hours.