To me it sounds as if you feel you must prove yourself to your therapist by showing her that you can handle things on your own. Is that it? Because if that is the case, I would like to know what exactly makes you feel that way. Why would you find it embarrassing to see her without having a job? Why do you have to prove to her that you are serious about therapy? Isn't you showing up for your sessions proof enough? And shouldn't she want to help you work on yourself precisely because you are struggling with it? If she can't do that, why is she a therapist?

I'm not actually attacking your therapist here, or you for that matter. I just think it sounds like you are way too hard on yourself, and if you ask yourself questions like the ones above, maybe you could start to think about things differently. Your therapist should want to help you, and I'm sure she does (if she doesn't, you should find someone else). She should want to be there to help you through whatever problems you are facing, not expect you to solve them before you come to see her again.

It's your therapist's job to find out why you are struggling in therapy, and to figure out how to make it work. Everything you have written is admirable, and of course you should still pursue all those things if that's what you truly want, but I see no reason why you can't also see your therapist whilst going through that process.

You sound a bit like me when I stopped going to my singing lessons. I wasn't practicing my pieces between lessons, because I was depressed and didn't have the energy or motivation for it, and then I felt guilty for repeatedly showing up without having practiced. So after a while I just stopped going, because I felt like a complete waste of her time, but what I didn't realise was that by not going at all I was definitely not going to improve. And actually, she still wanted to see me. She told me that even if I wasn't practicing between our lessons I should still come and sing with her for an hour until I felt like practicing again. At the end of the day, my teacher is there to help me, in the same way that our therapists are there to help us when we are finding it difficult to help ourselves.

You should feel like she wants to help you because you need it. That is all. But again, I do admire everything you are saying about wanting to change your life!