Quote:
Originally Posted by Coco3
Therapy brought up a lot of anger for me too. Towards my father and a sibling. I talked it through with my T, not with my family. My family doesn't handle emotions well, they suppress almost everything. That's what I used to do too, before therapy. It's why I ended up in therapy, I burnt out.
I don't think my family will understand what I'm feeling or don't know how to handle it, and I think I'll only get more frustrated if I try to talk to them. So I talked a lot about it with my T and put most of it behind me, or at least learnt to deal with it.
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OK, this sounds just like my family, except that I was an only child. There was suppressing of emotions, plus the need to keep bad things secret, to present ourselves as a nice, happy family. And my parents didn't understand that I had OCD as a kid and punished me for some of my behaviors. Or anxiety as a teen--with that, my dad got upset at me a few times because my behavior was upsetting my mother (they did take me to a T for a bit, but I feel like it was more like they just wanted me controlled than that they wanted to help me, if that makes sense. Like tried to hold me down and force me to take a med). And then depression in late teens--asked my mom to see a T, and she said I was fine. Even now, if I mention a T appointment, my mom is like, "Shouldn't you be done with that by now?"
My T has helped me understand some of it by saying my parents and I weren't a good fit in terms of personality. I'm a sensitive introvert (INFP), and my mom tried to make me an extrovert like her, who keeps her feelings inside. I know they tried and just probably didn't understand the various mental illnesses I had--things weren't promoted so much then (I'm in my late 30s). Now, there's ads for antidepressants all over TV, and going to a T/talking about mental health issues is at least somewhat more out in the open. But although my mom knows I've been diagnosed with anxiety and have had depression in the past, she doesn't know about my latest bout with it or much other stuff.
So I'm trying to "reframe" how I saw my childhood. I guess I always just said I had a happy childhood, since, I mean, we were middle class, nice house in suburbs, I had a mom who stayed home, we took regular vacations, etc., so from the outside, seemed like things were great. But as I look back and think of all the suffering I kept quiet (OCD and anxiety), I see a very different kid and childhood. Now that I have my own daughter (who has a few issues of her own), I'm trying very hard to make sure it's a different experience for her.
OK, kinda rambling now, but I'm still trying to work through some of the stuff in therapy. Though I've been seeing my current T for 4 years, we've only starting getting really deep into some of the childhood stuff in the past year, partly as a result of some maternal transference for her and strong paternal (with a little romantic/erotic, too) transference for my marriage counselor and examining some of the reasons/emotions behind that. Which mostly go back to childhood. It's been difficult and painful at times, dredging up old stuff, but I think it will ultimately be beneficial to me and my psyche.