I cannot imagine how your feeling, although, your pain is clear. I've never experienced a loss like that, mostly because I've gone the don't care deeply because I don't want to feel the loss later route. It's only recently, 1+ year ago, that I've opened my heart to a best friend. If I outlive them, I'll be utterly devastated. Cannot imagine life without them. I'm so sorry your living this now It must be terrible to have left over bad feelings mixed in with the pain of loss. I don't have any experience with this and I don't know what to say, but if you want to post more I promise to check in later tonight and tomorrow. You can say anything, good bad whatever. Maybe share one of your favorite memories with me?