To this point I haven't really thought of what makes me depressed or sad or down. I figured it was part of the bipolar cycle. As I'm writing this I'm in tears over my thoughts for the day. I first thought of a coworker who was a close friend and we had an incident that ruined our friendship and she treated me like s@!& during my worse period and when I hit rock bottom. She was indirectly the main reason that I was rejected at applying for my dream job. When I hit bottom I was on the verge of oding on sleeping and pain pills. I then thought of that and how much it hurt, I then thought of how financially unstable I am and how hard it has been to break even. I thought of how long it has been since I was in a relationship and how I look, and weight I have gained. I then had thoughts of who would show up at my funeral and the casket and whether at would be soon. I started crying and feeling destroyed and broken.

I just want to win, but it's been so long since I was on top and I'm getting old.