Hello All,

Forgive me. But I'm about to blurt. I know we don't know one another--yet--and that by common forum convention, I might be more in tune with how things work if I got to know you all a bit first. I don't know. Maybe not. Obviously, I'm new here and... I just...I just need someone to know what I'm feeling. Someone who isn't going to judge it; someone who won't be frightened by it; someone who won't wonder (and worry) how my "mood" is going to affect their day, their department, their whatever.

May I go on?

I have a strong seasonal component to my bipolar I. Manic in the summer; a dead zombie in the winter. We live in a cold climate right along Lake Michigan that sees little light in the winter and a lot of cloud coverage. Last year, for the first time, my doctor and I tried bupropion. And you know what? I worked! I got my kid to school on time. I was able to maintain a steady weight. I didn't shun sex for six months.

But it wasn't completely without challenge. In fact, the adjustment to this med was--and is again this year--H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. It's anxiety-producing!!!!! I hate it. My head is like Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr! It's hard to stop and even harder to counter with what I KNOW is true. I can distract myself with a book or the news, but if I'm doing something mindless, like dishes? Omg. Forget it. I'm off, spinning in a whirling mess of bright, shiny terror. Did I mention that my doc has me taper up 50 mg of bupropion each week for six weeks? It's a long six weeks. Once I'm up to 300 mg. he changes me to the long-acting formula, and I'm over the adjustment and most of the anxiety.

Last year, I missed twelve days in a row of work due the transition. I was just worn out by it! Fortunately, it was over the holidays and I really was only absent for three or four days. My boss, whom I adored (but lost earlier this year due to his moving on), knew about my disorder, understood, and was amazing. Reassuring when appropriate, kind, thoughtful--and never for one minute did he make me feel bad about being bipolar, missing work, etc. He never doubted my abilities once I returned, and best of all, he was what we all need when we're sick: Prayers and a little TLC--and a big, tell-me-only-if-you-want-to; I'll-act-like-nothing-happened-if-you-don't welcome when we return.

Anyhow--I'm babbling, sorry. So sorry! I do that when I'm nervous. Still with me? I hope?--this year, I am doing things a little differently. No caffeine. And trying to use the alprazolam my doc prescribed--but only when I absolutely have to. Like when I go to the third day of my new job tomorrow. With all new people. In a supportive, yet very challenging and busy academic environment (where I, unfortunately, feel helpless to help the students most of the time. Still, I *think* I can pull off normal with the help of alprazolam. I can't wait to take it.

Now for the question: If I take this medicine--alprazolam--like my doctor told me to (.5-.75 mg 30 minutes prior to the dose of bupropion, then again every four-six hours as needed), instead of just "only when absolutely necessary" will I be addicted to it by the time I'm finally adjusted to the bupropion? Or should I just take it when I have to "look normal" to avoid the addiction, withdrawal, etc.?

Any insight, suggestions, support, encouragement, etc. would be very welcome at this time.

Thanks so much for listening!