Hello Christina,
very often people say we depressives are sorry for ourselves.
Know what? There is nothing bad when you get an awful disease like this one!
I notice that "sorry" is the most recurring word in your posts. Please stop being sorry! But if you have to, be sorry for yourself! Youthink bad about yourself, but I want to encourage you to be more selfish. Everytime one is told to change his/her attitude it is aften an impossible task, but maybe you can do this if you cling to the most prominent thing in your life: the PAIN. You are currently the most suffering person in your neighborhood, everyone should be glad not to be in your place and be kind to you.
Do you get the point? You are not bad, you are a wonderful, sick person. Stop being sorry! Don't ask for excuse.

The best of luck