It is a very confusing problem. I am going to the pdoc Monday and will be asking for a referral to a therapist who works with gender issues.

I have been struggling with an unspeakable void in my life forever. I have always felt lke damaged goods which no one with any sense would want to have anything to do with. I would actually be glad to be able to identify even something as difficult as gender dysphoria as a root cause and so have something tangible to work with.

The very real problem is, if this is the problem, how do I come to an understanding with my wife without whom I would be devastated. If I am indeed a "gender dysphoric" person, what does it say about her and the relationship we have had for decades? It would definately force her to ask herself some very difficult questions with possibly even harder answers.

You are right about co-dependance. I have long recognized this in our relationship. I think that we are out growing it the past few years. We can and do have our separate interests and go our own ways much more often than not.