I am having a really hard time right now.

I saw T on Tuesday. I have been seeing him for almost 11 months now. For the first time i cried in his office. We were talking about my son's illness and the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

Recently I just was hired as a teacher in a private school, and was so excited about my new position. It is a new career for me. But I couldn't hold onto the happiness because it should be my son who is coming home excited about his new job and starting his independent adult life. But that dream is not to be.

I spoke to T on the phone on Tuesday evening to clarify some of the things we talked about. He says I have to find a way to walk beside this illness of my son's. It's just so hard to accept.

Today I got home and my son was hovering very close to me. I spoke to my sister on the phone because she had a thyroid biopsy this morning. I got an email from my cousin and she was as nasty as she was on the phone last week. (She's flipping out for some reason).

I kind of snapped. I feel so %#@&#! overwhelmed. I asked my son to please stop lying on my bed and go to his own room. He said he just wanted to be with someone.

I wanted to SI.

I called T and asked if we could talk, or maybe even have an extra appt. tomorrow if someone was on vacation. He called back about an hour and a half later. His voice was very gentle. I babbled a bit, letting him know that I was feeling overwhelmed earlier but told him I was feeling better. It was a lie. I just was ashamed that I called him. He asked how my son was and said, "It's hard to see him like that, isn't it?". He made no mention of an extra appt.
I just want to cry or puke.

I don't know what to do. I am so distracted. I have a huge amount of work to do this weekend -- the final push for my practicum that ends next week.

I'll just have to figure out a way to work. Oh yeah, it's called splitting.