Quote:
Originally Posted by QuietMind
I really dunno how to convey my desire to be present together with you in your pain.
You are worthy of love, and are loveable. I think your ex T had countertransference stuff and she burned out not realising how much you would need her after she perhaps fostered dependence.
You needing intensive help and being very very ill is NOT your fault.
I understand that being told you are very sick is scary.
The way I see it, it's like being in a bad car accident.
I agree with your T that it's not your fault.
Sometimes self blame makes one feel one has control, even though one doesn't.
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Thanks so much. I don't know how much of it was countertransference and how much of it was just that she was getting something out of the relationship that she either started getting elsewhere or wasn't satisfied anymore by me.
Sometimes I think it was just me -- I wasn't getting better. Sometimes I think she was afraid of losing her job, but even that didn't make sense because offering to see me for money was against the rules too.
My new T says I'm driving myself crazy with the "what ifs"and I just have to try my best to accept it wasn't my fault even though it's hard. She also thinks my need to figure out why it happened or my tendency to blame myself has to do with feeling unloveable. And I guess it does. A lot of my "stuff" goes back to that.