Hello dshantel: I'm sorry to read of your struggles. It sounds as though you are struggling with some serious depression at the present time. I know, from my own experience, that maintaining relationships can be extremely tiring when one is struggling with depression & other mental health issues.

I'm pretty-much a recluse by choice at this point in my life. (I'm an older person.) But I am married. Sometimes I wish I were alone entirely. I feel like I have to put on a happy face for my spouse, even though much of the time I don't feel happy. I also feel like I have to be constantly checking my behavior to make sure I don't do or say something that my spouse you find odd or unacceptable. (It's a long story.)

Anyway, I don't have any particular suggestions to offer you. I just thought I would share my own perspective with regard to the concerns you raise in your Thread. I send warm wishes your way in the hope that you will be able to find healing,