Lost my way , have not been a good person haven't worked at it very hard . Don't like to hurt others , but I would like to be liked . Have a good wife , very good person the opposite of me . She has not had it easy , people see the good in her quickly, I try to get some good feelings off her limelight. It doesn't always work. She attracts a wide spectrum of people talented and interesting types . I can't read people like she can, she naturally has instincts about people and their intentions. Me I have no clue, I just charge ahead with little thought and say things in wrong ways .
I don't think I'm a mean person , but I can be difficult but not confrontational . I don't like violence.
I am in deep depression , which is a type of fear to the max . I am on drugs to sleep and mellow out some .Limited time with psych . This terrible mind punishing is very painful, the decisions I made in the past to hide out are killing me now . It would leave a mess and financial woes if I did do it . But the mental pain is overwhelming . If you are rich you can find an easier way .
Why am I writing this, I really don't know why . I have visited mental heatlh forums where there are worse off people than me it seems . I find no pleasure in that . Are there answers on the internet , I hoped so but I now know there isn't much there .
Don"t want to be crippled .
I have helped others when I should have been working on my own problems . Trying to look like a good guy I guess.
I tackle projects and don't finish them , I avoid some projects thinking I have plenty of time . well I don't .
Seeing other people moving forward pains me when all my hopes and future are smashed . I had all that energy at one time , boy did I screw up . I thought I could do about anything and I was wrong . Overwhelmed myself to the max .
Buy tools and Think that's the magic , Ha .
How to get my self back is almost unthinkable task . I am running out of time fast . I am almost paralyzed with depression . If my wife didn't take care of me I would possibly get worse or die.
This is so unfair to her . I wish I could cry but my emotions are so uptight I can't .
I came out of this 12 years ago but I put up mental blocks that put me here now .
Do I want to put this out there -- I don't know . Just another cry for help when I know I'm the only source of the cure . I have to accept the trauma and pictures of it in my mind or still suffer.
I posted this earlier but I may have violated the rules ,sorry didn't mean to .