I am so afraid right now. Afraid of my limited treatment options, afraid of what my pdoc will decide next week, afraid of how I'm going to handle something happening Wednesday that is likely to be one of the more difficult things I have to deal with in life.

Angry. Mostly at myself because I can't make myself feel better and it seems like I should be able to do SOMETHING. And because life isn't fair and I know that is a pointless thing to care about because there isn't anything to do about it but right now it's what I feel and my therapist said I can feel that for a while so I am.

And oh so very, very tired. I talked to my therapist today about the strong negative feelings about myself that I've been having and apparently this was the first time I managed to really express what I've tried to say less directly for the last few weeks. Just thinking of dealing with this is overwhelming and I have to do it---unless the thing I'm afraid is happening Wednesday happens and then it will be back to survival mode.

And this isn't really me. When I'm not having a 10 month long episode and trying to accept that the meds are not helping much and that scarier treatments are becoming more certain I'm none of those things (except maybe tired. I don't remember). When I'm well I'm funny and interested in things and am not angry or resentful about my life. I would be so happy to get back to where I was a year ago.