I don't even know how to start this... I sit alone in the work bathroom crying my eyes out. Someone innocently mentioned crying children today. That... That got this hurtful ball rolling. I hate it when children cry, I said. It's triggering, I said... It's triggering. I never realized that before... All I knew was that the word "mummy" had me triggered seven ways from sunday... Crying children. I realized I can't handle crying children. The last times I heard a crying, screaming child I couldn't move. I sat rooted to the spot, fighting for breath, listening to my own child-like cries in my head, hearing my little alters cry and scream in response. I hear them now. We're crying... Children-a family- of my own is all I have ever wanted. Imagining a child of my own to raise better than I was raised was everything to me. They drove my every decision-eat healthy to set a good example, exercise to set a good example, read more to set a good example for when they come. Draw better so you can teach them to draw, too. Write happier stories to share with them. My love for kids- my desire to have a child of my own is what has me going through each day. The last time I crashed, they were my reason to get up, dust myself off, and live another day, and another and another... I can't have them. How can I? How can I when hearing a crying child, when seeing one in my head does this to me? It leaves me rooted to the spot, hyperventilating, fighting my own battles, hearing my own screams, seeing me as a child screaming, crying. No child deserves a mother that can't be there for them when they need comfort! No child. I know that. My mother couldn't comfort me when I needed it. It's not fair on my child... I can't have them. I shouldn't. Where does that leave me? My reason for going through each day has been snatched away. A child deserves a better parent than I would be. I can't handle myself when they cry. How can I handle them? How can I when the word "mummy" has me shaking like a leaf???
I'm so scared. I hurt sooo much. I don't have a reason to keep going. My only reason has slipped away. I can't say to myself I still want a family. Not after what I've just realised. I can't lie to myself to that extent... I can't.

I want to be numb again. I can't handle this feeling. I need my numbness back. Please. I want to be numb again. Please wall of numbness... Come back. Come back...I'm scared...I don't know what to live for.. I don't know...