Other post discussing this is here: Why does he do this to me?

Note to the reader: I've decided to share this because I feel that the people who have listened to me so patiently deserve to know that I have taken their advice to heart and am trying to move on with my life now. Thank you!

Well, tonight I had my last private conversation with "the Boy" in person... just the two of us... before he leaves for home Saturday.

It was a good ~3 hour conversation. I asked him all sorts of questions - stuff I had always wondered about him, and then I got down to what I wanted him to know...

Everything about him that I like, everything about him I'm going to miss. How much it hurts that he's leaving (which he already knows) and how much my life is going to change because he's gone. He welcomed it at least, so it wasn't like I was ambushing him. Almost started crying, but managed to contain myself.

Then I gave him advice and talked to him about his flight and then ... oddly enough, I gave him relationship advice since the boy clearly needs it. Everything from what sort of qualities he should look for (I do know him pretty well) and what he should do on a (typical) first date. I give relationship advice to all of my friends when they ask for it.

Then I asked him to tell me everything I should be looking for in a guy. Also he expressed how much our friendship means to him. I asked him if there was anything about me that I should work on to change, and he told me once again that I shouldn't change because although I am not perfect, that I should only change for myself and never for anyone else. He gave me a recommendation for a friend of his (a guy I also happen to know) if I wanted to hang out and talk to another person. So maybe I will do that.

That's all I needed to decide something...

I told him I loved him. I really did. But I told him that I realized I don't want to date him, and never want any other relationship with him than the one we have. He's my best guy friend that I've ever had. We've had fun, and we talk and we just generally like to hang out.

I love him, but I won't consider dating him. I've got to grow up, he's a lovely person (and so much more) but the chemistry for that sort of thing just isn't there. He's leaving, and he's probably going to come back a changed person who has hopefully dated someone (he expressed an interest in doing as such), or perhaps find the "One".

With all of my previous experience with guy friends and the fact that I somehow manage to have feelings for the ones I'm close to. I should also know that people leave, and it hurts like hell but you eventually get over it. I will. Like some of my friends have told me, I can do this.

I know I latch onto people who are nice to me and are just generally nice people. Something that desperately needs to be changed. I don't want to be clingy, and I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't really want to push anyone away anymore.

I search for companionship and whatnot in the wrong places. Blame this on any number of things, but I'm owning the problem finally.

I know that our relationship is going to be changed by the distance change, and yeah I'll probably be mopey for a while but I'll be fine. I can't live my life hoping for something that won't happen. I can't live my life waiting for someone to save me from myself ... I can't live my life waiting for love to find me.

He promised to keep in touch with me, and he gave me his parents number (where he is staying for the next 2-3 weeks until he leaves the country) so I can phone him whenever. I will keep in touch with him and do whatever it takes to make this friendship work. I will not lose someone who is this important to me, unless he decides at sometime that he wants to let me go.

And so ends my relationship problems and whatnot. His going-away party (that I planned and invited people to) is tomorrow night and then he's gone by Saturday.

Much love to everyone for putting up with me through all of this. New to this kind of thing.