I get a feeling that thinking "I should not have kids, even though I want them" causes quite a bit of despair and pain for you.
I am sure you can find a way to work through this and see what causes your fear. The past is over and can'tbe repeated. None of us has to be like our parents - we always have a choice to make good choices. Confronting a problem and trying to overcome an obstacle is a huge step. Be nice to yourself, I am sure it is going to be all good.