*******WARNING******
SOME, ESPECIALLY SURVIVORS OF VIOLENCE ETC MAY FIND THIS POSTING DISTURBING AND TRIGGERING


ok where do i start?

sadism without the sexual perversion.

in other words finding great enjoyment in seeing others suffer etc.

yes its sick.

i dont know why. i knew it was wrong. id be horribly ashamed, and laughing at the same time.

SICK

im not like that now. i know some who read this will probably avoid me forever now. but im not like that anymore. i dont even know why i was like that then..

BUT, im still very insensitive. in a split moment i can turn off all emotion, almost on command, and not give a %#@&#! about anything or anyone around me. i can be very insensitive. horrible at times.

but at least now i value life. and i see value in other things. maybe not myself but i do care about others and i do know how to cry.

i thought my violent intrusive thoughts and dreams might be connected to this..i suggested before it was to do with OCD because i didnt want to post this. that i am evil and disgusting.

i was originally going to post details, but i dont want this post removed..

i just want help.

i understand if you want to avoid me for eternity now. its better at least that you now know what kind of freak you're dealing with.

*JUST PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN ANY FORM OF SEXUAL ABUSE ETC. MY "DISTURBING-NESS" WAS ALWAYS LIMITED TO VIOLENCE*