Dear T

Tomorrow I see you again. I want to quit therapy. I'm so done with it. I have anough of it. I'm not going to get better. I'll never change. Maybe it's time to just accept that I'm a failure.
I don't want to talk. I'm tired of talking. 45 minutes is too long. It was often too short, but now it's just too long.
I can't be positive. I can't think/believe that it's all worth it. And it's useless to talk about that again and again. After almost 10 months my thinking hasn't changed yet. I'm so tired.
We should just accept that I am this. I'm nothing. You said that I can't say I'm hopeless until I've tried everything, until I really tried what we're doing know. But how can I give everything, how can I give 100%, when I think it's all hopeless?

I don't have any motivation. You say I should just continue with what we're doing, even if it feels pointless and such. You say that I should do it often and keep doing it and that after some time, actually a long time, months, that then I'll start believing and such.
But it's so hard to continue. To do things. It's so hard to do stuff, life things, when you feel and you feel like you know, that everything is pointless and not worth it.
We've talked about this several times. You say you understand me, but do you really? You don't know how I feel. I can tell you, but you haven't felt this, so you don't really know how it feels. Meybe you do know what you say. You're a T. My experiences with previous t's weren't good. I've never talked with anyone about this. So maybe an other good T would say the same things as you?

I'm crying a little bit. I haven't really cried for some time. I don't know why. Numb I think.
I just don't want to do life.