So my mind lives in a disneyfied world. I have always been idealistic where love should feel like it does in the movies and my Prince Charming is tall, dark and handsome like the celebrities I lusted after all my life. When I was younger I had such strong feelings of love (read infatuation) with guys, most of which were unobtainable. However mixed in with the infatuation was some serious self esteem issues and I remained single for a very long time. When my first real boyfriend came through he was not tall, dark and handsome. More like gangly, geeky and sweet. I'll be the first to say there wasn't a physical attraction right away. He was unlike most guys I am attracted too. Things progressed quickly. I really enjoyed my time with him, he was incredibly sweet and so much fun to be around.

So another thing you should know about me, I dwell. One of the fun side affects of anxiety. Pretty early I realized I didn't have those feelings of infatuation that I had growing up with him. There weren't really butterflies. There was this unbelievable trust and comfort I felt with him though. Like I could be me. 100% me. I knew he wouldn't judge me. Now you'd think that that would be enough but in my messed up mind I couldn't get past not having butterflies and feeling the infatuation feelings I was expecting to have. He would smile at me and tell me that he still gets butterflies looking at me. I would feel so guilty because while I was excited he was there, there weren't butterflies. Fast forward to today. We are no longer together because I had a massive bout of anxiety and depression and I talked myself out of this wonderful relationship because I wasn't feeling what I thought I should be. What the movies and pop culture say love should be like.

The point I'm trying to get to is what is love to you. Does it have to be all rainbows and googly eyes? In meeting with my therapist we have discussed that it's not like that with everyone and I can't beat myself up for just not being the type of person that gets super lovey dovey. Plus what's it say when I do get those feelings I'm searching for they are always for a guy that sucks. I recently reconnected with one of those childhood infatuations and those hormonal feelings came back but the guy has changed so much we have nothing in common and I don't feel secure and comfortable with him. I always feel like I'm being judged but damn it, I still have the lingering emotions. I just don't know what to do. I would trade the childhood crush for my ex any day of the week but I can't shake the anxiety that comes with not having the 'in love' feelings. Obviously I recognize that love isn't a fairy tale. It will never be perfect and those feelings if felt are often short lived as the realities of life and being in a relationship come to a head. I'm just really struggling with what my heart wants to feel vs what a healthy relationship may actually look like for me.

This post really got away from me. Lol sorry about the novel