Life didn't seem quite so overwhelming before this last couple of families moved in next door. The toddler keeps waking me up just as I'm getting to sleep from working overnights. And this kid just screams randomly so you don't know when he is going to start. You can be having a normal conversation and he will just suddenly look at you and start shrieking for no reason. Not because he seems afraid or any danger, just because... reasons, I guess? It's like it hasn't registered in his brain yet that shrieks don't actually convey anything to the listeners. Then after 3 or 4 PM the older kids from the other neighbors get out of school, and guess what? More yelling. Yay. It's bad enough to be woken by childish screams, but the real problem is when they catch me during a REM cycle.

I can't sleep safely. There is something absolutely terrifying about waking up to screams and not being able to move. You have the dual terror of feeling like there is danger and also being unable to defend yourself, and you have to lay there helplessly until the sleep paralysis fades enough to get up. I can't leave the window open to even get fresh air in my house. I just get so shaky and want to cry when I hear all the noise going on outside. I can't explain to the neighbors that I am a neurotic mess and that they can't let their children be running around during the day. I mean I could, but since my work schedule varies enough that I can't give them a specific time frame that they can let their kids run around that will guarantee me a peaceful rest. And that's not really fair to the kids since they're just outside being kids. I can't take a sleeping pill because I can't miss any work. I can't wear earplugs because that has caused me to miss my alarm, and I can't miss any work. I have no money and bad credit, so I can't just move.

When I do sleep, I have started having crazy dreams, not quite nightmares, but disturbing. I keep getting stressed over stupid things and then end up overeating. I can't focus at work, and my grades are slipping. I have trouble relating to conversations with coworkers because they watch TV, and I don't. I hate the bright lights and being yelled at by commercials. I'll do movies occasionally since I can pause them and come back later if I start to feel overwhelmed, but I'm not up to date on the newest ones and I rarely recognize the older ones unless I saw them as a child.

When I am at work, I don't know when I'm going to get a customer who is going to yell at me, so even on a good day I have to brace myself before I even answer the phone. I answer phones for deaf people for a living. That they are always almost always yelling (not even angrily in most cases, they just can't hear how loud they are), kind of makes me hate my job. Well, that and the sexual harassment from the pervs and jail inmates.

It doesn't matter, though. Then I remember that I am both fat and out of shape and if any of that screaming that is happening is because there is danger that I would be helpless to defend myself because I have made myself weak. Then I feel anxious over that realization. I can't afford a self-defense class, or a gym membership, or moving. Even if I had money, I don't have the energy for taking extra classes or packing up my whole house on my own, and I couldn't afford to set myself up for failure when I am struggling with what I am managing right now. I hear my family telling me how fat and lazy and weak I am (which is weird, because I was none of those things at the time when they were telling me this). Then I have trouble getting back to sleep because I'm too busy hating myself over being so pathetic that I barely have the mental energy to spare for focusing on my school or at work. I have to make good grades, or... what? I know my father would have beaten me, but he has been out of my life for years. My other family would just be disappointed and sit around insulting me and talk about me like I'm not sitting right there, but again, I very specifically chose to move away from all of that quite some time ago. I don't know why I am so afraid of making less than a 95 in any of my classes, but I am exhausted.

I'm just so tired. Why can't screechy little kids find somewhere else to play?