Hey! This is my first post on this forum, and I am here to straighten out a few things in my life which has been bothering me for quite some time.

When I was young I was a pretty genderneutral child. I didn't build my life around stereotypical maleoriented interests like sport, especially in group, like football. My parents did their best to introduce me to this but failed miserably since I mostly stood there watching the ball pass by as my fellowplayers kept the game going. I mostly observed and didn't want to participate in this violent (to me) form of interaction between people. It scared me. I couldn't relate to people with these pre-requisites.

As did competition between groups in general, especially men who are sadly raised not to take care of each other, but compete and overshine each others achievements. So instead of integrating myself in groupdynamics, I instead chose to hang out with the schools "nerds". Introverted escapists with a burning passion for things not considered especially masculine at the time - especially as we got older and puberty (hell) struck in.

Since then I have been in a limbo between groups, losing old friends, gaining new ones and during this time I have learned to reflect on how I identify with others. Especially since i've befriended a lot of openminded people with non-binary genders or non-normative sexualities. I found that I could relate much more to these individuals, since they did not label me strictly as a man and chose to not treat me as such. I was a peniscarrier to them, mainly an individual with a biological variation. I was provocated by this at first, since i've never really engaged myself in questions about my own identity. But after a while the notion set in and it felt so good.

My dad treats me as a stereotypical man, which creates all sorts of conflicts, especially with his stale view on gender. My mom does the same to some extent. Mainly when it comes to my emotions and how they counter them.

My old friends does the same. Since my relationship to men is complicated I am pretty much changed in their company and can't open up as i'd like to. I don't want to be percieved as weak, or unmanly. This is mostly common when I hang out with men in group. It just doesn't speak to me anymore. It feels very uncomfortable. I hate what I transform into.

Since a month or two I am provocated by being labeled as a man instead, or being called a "he". I can still partially relate to it, which I find curious. But I feel more at terms with being neutral, or an individual.

When I was reading up on labels a few days ago I found something called "demiboy", which highly spoke to me. I feel less a man, than I do an individual. I have more feminine traits than masculine, but relates to them equally. This is a very confusing thing to me and I am constantly doubleguessing myself. Is this another groupbehaviour to fit in with my new friends, or is this a natural progression/explanation of my character and how I identify with myself and others? It's such a relief being conceived more as an individual, than a man, but is that reason enough to "reidentity" and drop my preconceptions on who I am (should be, according to how I was raised)?

Sorry if I stepped on someones toes. One part of me feels these are silly train of thoughts, whilst another really believes I should follow up on it.. I am pretty distracted and need to figure out just what it is i'm going through here. This also came pretty late in life since i'm already 26, two months away from 27.